Surrender

I was going to start yet another affair today.  It had been planned, we had met for drinks.  Today we were going to meet at a hotel room.  But the conviction of the Holy Spirit, through your spoken and written words, stopped me.  Since this series started, the Holy Spirit has been speaking to me.  First it was a very small voice that I ignored. (I want what I want, and I'm not going to listen to you)  Then it was a debate in my mind that I tried to dismiss.  (You deserve this; you do so much for everyone else)  Finally it was God himself who said to me, "Choose this day, who you will follow.  My way leads to life, your way leads to death."  It became overwhelmingly evident that my choices were killing me. (James 1:15) I was headed toward death, but this past Sunday I chose to surrender it all.  I chose life.

You have taught me that God wants what is best, even for me. (Romans 12:2)  He loves me and cares for me.  I don't think I ever really "got that" before.  Maybe I did on an intellectual level, but I never believed it for my life.  Instead, I have pursued what I thought would fulfill me.  I have looked for love through countless affairs; I have looked for satisfaction on the Internet.  I have never been faithful to my spouse.  It has brought me great shame.  It has choked off my relationship with God, my family and my community.    This past week I realized for the first time that I am an addict.  I don\'t like that word, especially when it is used to describe me, yet it fits.  "Persistent compulsive use of a substance known by the user to be harmful" (-Webster). That is the control sex and pornography have on me.  I now realize I am powerless to stop it.  I can't just try harder to be faithful.  I have no self-control when it comes to this issue.  My battle can only be won by choosing life, by choosing to surrender my life to God.  I have always focused on my behavior (be a better spouse), not on my thinking (renew my mind).    The love, peace and acceptance I crave can only come from God.  I get that now.  What I put into my mind is the key.  I have been reading James this week, as you suggested.  Not because I have to, but because I want to.  I want God to talk to me. I want God to stand by me in my struggles. I need him to fight this spiritual battle that rages in my mind.  God loves me and wants a relationship with me.  His Word shows me what the relationship looks like.  God has been so faithful to me, even as I pushed Him away and openly sinned against Him.  His love for me is overwhelming, despite my shortcomings.  I want to pursue Him, because He has always been there for me.  I want to be faithful to Him, because He has always loved me.  I want to offer my body as a living sacrifice, because it is my spiritual act of worship to Him.

I'm not sure where this will lead, but I am ready for the journey.  I am looking forward to reading his Word, not because I "should" but because it is the best way to get to know Him.  I am looking forward to praying, not because it is required, but because I want to talk with Him.  Chip, I realize you get hundreds if not thousands of these emails.  Each one slightly different, but all having the same theme of loss, despair and hopelessness.  I also have a sense that you have been asking God to bring about a revival in your congregation.  I believe God is answering your prayers and I am but one of thousands going through the same transformation.  Thank you for speaking God\'s Word so clearly.  Thank you for your message of hope for the hopeless like myself.  Your message, through the power of the Holy Spirit, has changed me profoundly.    Although I prefer to not use my name at this point, please feel free to use my story, and please pray for me.  I have a long hard journey ahead.  By the way, I am a woman in her 40's, not a man.  This addiction can affect anyone.